In which I see a little progressFebruary 27, 2012
So, my right thumbnail is mysteriously bitten all the way down to the quick. I must have had some kind of nervous moment while explaining my situation to member services at my healthcare provider’s office. Well, it was over the phone. I don’t know where they were. I was at home, apparently biting my nails.
I got some things accomplished, set in motion. I ordered up some lab tests, to see how my liver is doing. Well, who the hell else would order it? The inmate is running the asylum, apparently. The last email I got from my oncologist said, essentially, what a bother it was to get an outside referral (i.e., that she was not going to try), and that she hoped her note found me well. I laughed out loud.
That was back in September, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. Am I just supposed to take the hint? Know that she’s breaking up with me and stop hanging around by her locker before math class?
Anyway, that’s why I called member services. Someone really needs to be in charge of me. Also, I believe it’s protocol for a doctor, upon receiving bad news on a patient’s behalf, to contact that patient in some way. Right now, I am the medical hot potato, being tossed from doctor to doctor. I am so fucked.
At the moment, my liver’s surface is …decorated, I guess, over more than 50% of its surface. The CAT scan is painful to look at, the lesions glowing white in the dark cavern of my abdomen. Sometimes I poke at my liver a little bit, and think, Really? Can’t you keep it together even just a little? Because honestly, at the rate these are growing, let’s just say that I don’t expect to be needing a 2013 refill for my Hermès agenda.
I’m feeling wry today, befuddled. I want to know how much time I have left, and I want to know where I’m going. I’m not scared, per se, but after years of sarcastic bait-and-switch by both my parents — each of whom loved teaching us a lesson, especially if social humiliation was involved, I don’t know what to expect. I want to be able to reopen the door after I’m through, peek my head out and whisper, “You guys! I made it! See you later!”
I guess we’ll all just have to wonder.
Could this be a mystic wonder waiting to greet me in the afterlife??